I know I’ve been really selfish today. Everything that upset me so much today probably wouldn’t have so much if I wasn’t so selfish. It shouldn’t matter to me if I was there in my friend’s happiness, so long as he was happy, that’s all that matters. And that does make me happy. But I also can’t get over the fact that I’m missing moments like these.
I realized today. Well, I always know this about myself - I’m not great at anything, I’ve never had a skill that others don’t have. I don’t have a particular activity that no one else can do. And I can deal with that. I figured if there’s one thing that my friends know about me, is that I’m dependable. I’ll always be there when they need me, no matter what. That was all I was hoping to be and always tried to be. Now I can’t even do that. The one thing I was hoping to be remembered for is a lie. No one can depend on me even for the most important moments. It doesn’t matter what my intentions were, intentions fall far short of action. And I’m back to this internal conflict between two things. This is my last summer, my last time to hang out with the people who mean the most to me. My last chance to spend every moment with them and make memories and make connections that’ll hold us through these next years. I mean really, I want to say, screw everything else, I want this summer for them. But this is also the last opportunity I’ll have to raise the most money I can for college. I made the choice of going to the school I wanted most, and with that comes the consequences of insecurity. I can’t just quit out when I need to be working my butt off. If I want to be able to do this, I have to work. This isn’t one of those things where “let’s see if I can get some spending money”, it’s kind of beyond a choice. Not my parents telling me, it’s me that knows there is no way back now. Life is sacrifices. But which sacrifice do you make?
I hate this so much. Watching videos and thinking “I should have been there”. I’m never satisfied, I should be happy with what I got. How’s a child like this expected to live as an adult in 3 months? I just don’t understand.